同学请听好·音味有你｜没有好的原生家庭，只有更好的自己

编者按：

作为我院第十七届“5•25”心理素质拓展月系列活动之一，“声入人心”主题音频征集活动携手我系“音味有你”栏目，特推出“同学请听好”特别节目，主要面向全院征集围绕心理健康内容相关的录制朗读音频，音频内容包括：心理好书推荐，心理故事，心理健康科普等。本活动旨在传递疫情期间守护心灵，积蓄力量的所感所悟，发出青春好声音，传递青春正能量。

好书推荐

《原生家庭》，这本书这是一部振聋发聩的家庭心理疗伤经典之作。苏珊·福沃德博士通过工作中接触到的大量真实素材，分析了不健康的原生家庭是如何伤害子女，并持续影响子女成年后的生活的。

难能可贵的是，作者的主旨并不在于控诉这样的父母，而在于传授具体的对策，使那些受过或仍在承受父母伤害的人们获得勇气和力量，从与父母的负面关系模式中解脱，恢复自信和力量，得到自由和幸福。

《原生家庭》节选

Several of these beliefs put full responsibility on your shoulders for how your parents feel. When toxic parents feel bad, they often look for others to blame, and those others are usually their children. If you were made to believe that your parents' feelings were your responsibility, you probably still believe that it's within your power tomake" them-and often everyone else -either happy or sad.

 Many experts on human behavior contend that you can't "make" anyone feel anything-that each person is totally responsible for how he "chooses"to feel, don't think that's true. I believe we do have an effect on the feelings of everyone we are connected to. But having an effect is not the same thing as being responsible for fixing those feelings Just as you are responsible for finding ways to make yourself feel better when someone hurts you, your parents are responsible for finding their own ways to feel better when someone hurts them.

 For example, if you do something that is neither cruel nor abusive but nevertheless makes your mother feel sad-such as marrying someone she disapproves of or taking a job out of town-it is up to your mother to find ways to feel better. It's perfectly appropriate for you to say something like, "I'm sorry you're upset," but it is not your responsibility to change your plans for the sole purpose of taking care of your mother's feelings. When you ignore your needs for the sake of your mother's feelings, you are doing a disservice not only to yourself but to your mother as well. The anger and resentment that you will inevitably feel cannot help but affect your relationship. And if your efforts to make your mother happy fail, you will feel guilty and inadequate.

“我永远都不可能战胜父母，我的父母拥有至高无上的权力”，这样的错误观念会让你无助、害怕、烦恼和不知所措。你努力想要克服这些消极的感受，于是就会自觉地在和父母的分歧中退让、屈服，顺从他们的要求；也可能为了逃避这些感觉，你会在毒品和酒精里寻求安慰。所有这一切都始于错误的观念。在这些错误观念中，有一些将父母的感受都看作你的责任。有毒的父母有了烦恼，就只会责怪别人，而这个别人往往是他们的孩子。如果你一直以来受到的教育是，你要对父母的感受负责，那么你也许就相信你具有让父母——或者其他任何人——高兴或悲伤的能力。

许多人类行为学家都认为一个人无法“使”别人产生什么感受——每个人都要为自己选择的感受负责任，我却不这样认为。我觉得我们的确在情感上影响着那些与我们紧密相连的人，但对别人的感受产生影响和全权负责是不能等同的。比如说，当你受到伤害时，你需要找到安慰自己的方式，这是你的责任，所以，当你的父母受到伤害时，他们也有责任找到自我安慰的方式。

如果你对母亲没有任何残忍、虐待的行为，只是与她不认可的人结婚，或者去外地工作，可是她却因此而伤心难过，那么她有义务去自己平复情绪，重拾快乐。你可以说一些类似“我很遗憾你不开心”的话，这很恰当，但是你没有义务单单为照顾母亲的心情而改变自己的人生计划。当你为了母亲的心情而忽视自己的需求时，你并没有为你自己，甚至你的母亲带来任何好处。你稍后不可避免地会愤怒，会埋怨她，这些情绪最终会影响你和母亲的关系。当你积极努力地解决问题，却仍不能使你的母亲满足高兴时，你会更加自责和不知所措。

朗读者（主持人）

朗读者（中文）

朗读者（英语）

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